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Die Englisch-Aufsatz-Seite


Knock, knock
Who's there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Which Witch would you like it to be?


Teacher: "Are you good at maths?"
Pupil: "Yes and no"
Teacher:" What do you mean?"
Pupil: Yes, "I'm no good at maths!"


Zoo Keeper to his wife:"I've lost one of my elephants"
His wife:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"


When should a mouse carry an umbrella?
When it's raining cats and dogs!


What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Finding half a worm!


>A man visits his granny in the nursing home. When he arrives, she is asleep, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, watches television and eats some peanuts from a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the granny wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished all the peanuts bowl. "I'm so sorry, granny, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dear," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't like them anyway."


Teacher: "You missed school yesterday didn't you?" Pupil: "Not very much!"

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have...... the older she gets the more interested he is in her.


Two students had an important exam coming up. They decided to party instead of preparing themselves. On the day of the exam they showed up telling the teacher that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have one more day to study. That evening, both of the boys studied all night long until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
When they arrived at school the next morning, they were told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. As each sat down, they read the first question:For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be easy. Then, the test continued:For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.

An absent-minded professor paused to chat with one of his students, then asked:" From which direction was I coming, when I stopped to talk to you?"
"That way" the student pointed."Good," said the professor, "then I've had my lunch."


Teacher:"Why were you late?"
"Sorry, teacher, I overslept".
"You mean you need to sleep at home too!"


Mother:" Keep that dog out of the house. It is covered in mud"
Kevin:"Keep out of the house, little dog. It is covered in mud"


A farmer met his neighbour wandering around the field. "What are you looking for?"
"A cow with one eye called Bella."
"What's the other eye called?"


"I have just bought a pig."
"Where will you keep it?"
"In my sitting-room."
But what about the smell?"
"Oh, well, the pig will get used to it"


How do you stop a pig going "oink" on Monday morning?
Eat it for Sunday lunch!




Author: Karin Dykes